Originally posted 12 April 2017.
I know Moana is all the rage at the moment, but I’m currently sitting at my desk listening to ‘Let it go’ and reminiscing on the Elsa experience I had today.
We're four months into the year, and I’m really beginning to feel like I understand what I’m supposed to be doing with my life for now. I’ve been focusing a lot on my health, healing, and building strong foundations for my future.
Part of that has included taking a deeper look at myself and trying to achieve something that so many people find incredibly difficult – to love and accept yourself. Now, let me make it clear that I’m not stuck in a battle of self hate. Thankfully I’m not. In fact, it’s recently that I’ve actually started to build a really good relationship with myself. I’m really getting into talking to myself in a positive way.
Yes that’s a thing and its good for you. It's called ‘self talk’. I happen to have a very high level of communication with myself and its not weird.
It’s been looking in the mirror and saying, ‘Oh, you look good today’ or walking to the car thinking ‘You’re just a bit awesome, aren’t you?’ Now, before you get confused, this isn’t a self-centered-arrogant-I-think-I’m-the-best-thing-since-the-internet thing.
It’s not.
Positive self talk is about talking to ourselves in the same way we would to our friends, our family and the people we admire. It’s about building ourselves up instead of tearing ourselves down… and that’s what I tried to do today.
I’ve spoken about my difficulty with weight and trying to get healthier and lately it has not been easy. I am not giving up, but I haven’t been seeing results for a good 6 weeks now. It’s frustrating, but not the point.
The point is that I struggle to love myself because of what I look like. I’m not trying to look like photo shopped magazine covers, but I have been trying to get back to my pre-wedding weight. Seeing my beautiful friend Lauren again, helped me to realise that I’ve been trying to love myself into that size… like I will only love myself once I’m back there.
How sad is that?
Love is so empowering and I’m witholding it from myself.
Well, today I got a little impulsive and I’ll tell you all about it because it made its way onto the nike list at number fifty… let it go.
I’ve never been much of a shopper. I prefer to shop alone and I’m usually pretty quick for the stereotypical woman. I know what I want, and unless its Kmart, I’m pretty much in and out.
Clothes shopping is the worst. There is an art form to it. Depending on what you’re shopping for, you really need to consider your outfit before you even leave the house. If you’re shopping for pants then you shouldn’t wear a dress, unless you’re happy to be stuck in the change rooms doing the awkward ‘hold up the dress while trying to get a look at the pants’ thing. And how can we forget the footwear? Do not make the mistake of wearing shoes that have socks if you’re planning on going to multiple stores because that is a hassle I don’t want to deal with.
Just trying clothes on and taking them off again is enough of a work out. I mean seriously, I already did my 30 minutes of cardio for today.
Catch my drift?
So you’d be totally surprised to hear that I spent a good hour today doing exactly that! I opened up my wardrobe and pulled out pretty much all of it and played ‘change rooms’.
What kind of madness was this?
I am not a hoarder. Pinky swear. But, I do hold onto things if I can see a legitimate use for them in the future… and my wardrobe is evidence of that. Cue the 5 pairs of jeans I tried on today that have not been worn for at least a year.
One of those pairs of jeans still had the tag on it from when I bought them in the states 7 years ago! They were the same size as a pair I bought, wore and loved, but because I did the sneaky ‘don’t try before you buy’ I later found they were just a bit too snug because they were a slightly different make. They took up home with the ‘others’.
Yes, ‘others’.
You may know about them. You might even have your own collection of them. The ‘others’ are the clothes which hang in your wardrobe waiting for their time out of retirement. Retirement which is only ever ended once you have finally dropped that ‘insert number here’ kilos and they finally fit!
This has been my life’s doing for a long time now. I have shirts that have been squished up in my dresser which I’ve avoided like the plague for two years because I feel pretty sure that wearing them is not the kind of negativity I want in my life right now.
Makes sense, right? Yeah, I thought so too.
So, instead I decided to keep them in my drawer as a constant reminder that I’m not at that weight. Now just mull that one over for a while… Really? Now, seriously, what kind of logic is that? Oh, I’ll tell you…
“But I love this shirt. It’s so cute and it was really cheap. I can’t get rid of it.”
“But if I chuck this out and then lose that weight I’ll have to buy new clothes. If I keep these ones it’ll save me heaps of money.”
“But if I get rid of my smaller clothes and only keep the ones that actually fit me then none of my clothes will act as an incentive to drop weight. I’ll get too comfortable and never lose that weight.”
Ugggggh! I have let that logic rule my mind and wardrobe for quite a while now and honestly I am sick of it. I am sick of feeling the lowness of there existing a section of my wardrobe which I completely ignore because my body is currently ‘inadequate’.
So today I decided to get my Elsa on and let it go. Oh boy, did I let it ALL go! I was ripping clothes out of my wardrobe before I really understood what I was doing. Something inside me knew I needed to do this and to do it today.
I let go of that old logic and many pairs of jeans, and shirts, and a dress and shoes and I threw in a few handbags while I was getting the clean out happening. When trying my shirts on I was actually surprised by how many I felt I could keep… and at the same time I was so annoyed that I let myself lose out on happiness or even just contentment in knowing that those shirts weren’t figuratively laughing at me and my sometimes muffin top.
I’ve been more seriously pondering the ways that I can fully love myself – imperfections and all. Josh and I had a bit of a conversation about it earlier this week. It took me a little bit of courage, but I eventually asked him, “How do you love me despite my belly?” to which he said, “It’s not even a question.” I thought he was trying to be all romantic like which was super inconvenient because I was trying to be all soul-searchy serious, so I shot back,
“Uh, no actually, it is a question. I just asked it and I’m being serious here. How do you do it? I’m trying to learn how to love myself in that way.”
He pretty much told me that he did and that’s what I had to do too. “You just do.”
I’m no expert on self love. I love myself, but its just currently conditional and I’m working on it. My body deserves more love than I’m giving it right now. I’m trying to love myself despite where I’m at physically and for some reason that’s a struggle.
Why is it that we find it so easy to love others well knowing their imperfections, but with us there’s so many strings attached?
My body is an amazing thing, but I seem to put way too much importance on its appearance. It is free from major disease. It has all limbs working in proper function. It has strength and energy enough to let me walk and run. It allows me to enjoy the beauty of the world through each of the senses. It has even given me experience in creating life – if only for the shortest time.
My body is a miraculous thing that I underestimate and undervalue on a daily basis.
I still have a lot of steps take in this journey of healing and loving myself unconditionally, and today I was able to work on just one simple thing. I let go of something that’s been a dark corner in my mind for way too long.
And it feels really exhilarating to do something so simple, small and impulsive to move towards a happier and more accepting me.
So what do you need to do?
