At the start of this year I was newly obsessed with listening to 'The Purpose Show' podcast. One episode really sat with me. It spoke about identifying a word or phrase that would help shape your year. The process was a totally new one for me, but I grabbed hold and felt drawn to one word in particular.
Let me tell you how two thousand and eighteen became the year of the 'fearless'.
Total number of items on The Nike List for 2018: 74
I recently read my December letter from 2017. Its the letter that I write around every new year reflecting on the year that was, after having read the letter about the year before. I was amazed to see how it was full of so much goodness and action. It was a difficult but shaping year for me. I was so fired up about adding and ticking things off the nike list.
Total number of items ticked off The Nike List for 2017: 12
This year the formal list took at bit of a backseat. Instead of spending so much time engineering my life, I instead tried to become more comfortable with embracing and nurturing what life decided to bring my way.
Fearless #1
I started the year with my first blood donation. You may not fully understand, but as a serial blood fainter, this experience made me feel invincible. Not only did it make me feel invincible, but it really helped to concrete this year as one shaped by fearlessness. Little did I know how accurate this word would be for two thousand and eighteen.
Fearless #2
At the end of 2017, I was emotionally in a really rough place. I was on one of almost twelve months worth of failed fertility treatments. Not only was the disappointment discouraging, but the medication itself was effecting me in ways that made me struggling to feel anything like myself. For months I had struggled with the decision to keep moving forward with the treatments. I couldn't understand how I could be at peace with myself if I stopped doing the one thing that would help me realise my dream of motherhood. After a ridiculously emotional new years eve, on January 1st 2018, I decided to jump into the unknown world of stopping all fertility treatments as a way to try and find myself again.
Fearless #3
I'm pretty sure I've spoken before about my great fear of falling? Well it still exists. No not heights. It is very obviously the experience of falling that I hate! So I decided to get in touch with the wonder woman in me and signed me and Josh up to complete a high ropes course. It was difficult. I had worn the wrong shoes and was persistently freaked about losing one from metres up. It totally shook up my nerves, but going through it and knowing that I continued to push myself was a type of satisfaction that comes from very little other experiences.
Fearless #4
Last year was a big help in showing me what I wanted out of my career. Teaching had always been the realistic dream, but I didn't realise until I jumped into casual teaching that I didn't want anything more. Even despite a couple of opportunities that came my way. I was happy with the flexibility, and had no desires for consistency. Then I received a call that I didn't realise would make such a difference for the rest of my year. One scary decision later, and I took on a maternity position at my old high school. As my first continual position I was totally overwhelmed. My anxiety got to a serious all high! Not even mentioning that fact that as well as Drama, I was teaching two subjects that are out of my area of training.
It has been career shaping, hard work, and a constant reminder that I am doing exactly what I should be. I have made friends with the most beautiful, loving and supportive people. Besides the occasional student based headache, the only thing that got really hard about being at work has been my next fearless.
Fearless #5
Starting work on the maternity contract I was mostly afraid of one thing. Not my inexperience or feelings of inadequacy, but a fear that I'd be spending time in the classroom day in and out, wishing I was at home and being a mother. Once I began work, I was significantly blessed to never again have that thought cross my mind. I got excited about my work, my potential, and my dreams for building Drama at the school. I started making plans. And that's when life happened.
Practically overnight, I found myself at work dealing with morning sickness, and for quite some time, the anxiety that this surprisingly welcomed pregnancy wouldn't work out. Work got difficult in totally new ways. I felt zapped of energy, continually running to the staffroom to stop myself from throwing up, and coordinating never ending blood tests and frequent appointments. I had to drop my usual workload and become comfortable with changing my priorities.
It feel almost crazy to say that we're only two weeks away from the twenty week scan. Overall, I'm in a much better place, but I cannot say that I'm not frequently aware of how precious this baby is, and how quickly it could leave. And that is why it has been so important to me that months ago before I knew a thing, I felt drawn to the word fearless.
More than ever have I needed to channel my inner wonder woman and live in a state of fearlessness. Acknowledging and feeling fear and anxiety, but deciding to move forward with courage, conviction, and hope that regardless of what happens, things will eventually be okay, even if they don't make sense.
I'm still pondering the word or phrase that will help to shape my twenty nineteen, but I promise, even if in small and less frequent capacities, that I will keep you posted.
Thanks for letting me share my journey.
